Here it is, the day before Good Friday.
I've had a great week...I've made decisions this week that I feel like God has been preparing me for, for months...new, exciting stuff is happening in the store...SOON.
And since those decisions were made, I've felt that my walk with the Lord has flourished...I've felt connected...walking in His will...listening to Him and what He wants for my life...
Its been SO GREAT!! I know the valley's will come, but I do admit that I hate them.
So, then what do I do?? I go an screw it up.
I told a lie this morning.
I can hear Satan rejoicing...
Why is it that when we are walking the closest with the Lord...we screw it up and blatantly sin?
I am reminded of Peter (once again). Proclaiming his undying love and loyalty to Jesus...
Only to deny him 3 times in ONE NIGHT.
Just like me.
Every time we sin, we are choosing to follow the blackness in our hearts...and deny the cross that Jesus set before us.
I feel like crap right now...shame has set in. I know what I did was wrong...it was out of fear and selfishness that I told this lie. I am reminded of my childhood, when I would lie to my mom or dad...I know the devil hates it when Christians confess their sins, or bring them to light...its easier for Satan to torment you, when you don't verbalize your wrong doings.
I asked the Lord for forgiveness and I know He grants it...but the irony is not lost on me.
Good Friday...the day that we remember all the Lord suffered through for us...the day He suffered to save me from my sins. All week I've been thinking about the cross and what it means...and more importantly, what the crucifixion meant.
And here I go again, falling on my face...
Many years ago, (like 20), my Pastor James from Blackshear Place Baptist Church in Oakwood, GA preached a sermon that I still remember with extreme clarity (really, its the only sermon I remember like I do this one). As I recall, at the end of the sermon, there wasn't a dry eye in the sanctuary. The sermon was a study on the crucifixion...what it was about, why it was practiced and what really took place during a crucifixion. As Pastor James taught us about the crucifixion, it became clearer what Jesus really endured for us.
We see it depicted in movies or pictures...and sure, the men on the crosses look beaten and bloody...but I have never seen a clear picture of what it really must of been like for Jesus.
You see, the crucifixion was reserved for the countries WORST criminals...I suppose what would be equivalent to our death penalty today. Rapists, murderers, child molesters...you know, the REALLY bad criminals...those who commit crimes against our fellow mankind...those who's acts disgust us to our very core.
When Jesus was sentenced to die by crucifixion, that meant he was sentenced to die like the worst criminal...along with the sentence also came the torture, beatings and public mockery that Jesus would have to endure.
The Bible tells us that Jesus was handed over to the soldiers to be flogged after the people had demanded Barabbas be released and Jesus crucified in his place (Matthew 27:26).
Here's what a flogging really means...
The soldiers used what is called a cat-of-nine-tails...a cluster of long skinny leather strips all bound together, so that the flogger could achieve a better grip. Jesus would of been chained to a post, with his back to the flogger (or flogger's...meaning plural). The long skinny strands of leather would of had bits of crude metal, broken glass or even sharp rocks embedded in the leather. When the flogger cracked the whip on Jesus's body, the long skinny strands would of wrapped around His body. Of course, because of the bits of sharp metal, glass or rocks, it would of dug into his flesh. As the flogger pulled the whip back, the skinny tails would of ripped flesh as they retreated.
Over and over, the floggers would do this...5-10-15-20 times? Who knows how long Jesus had to endure this...
Bits of His flesh would of been hanging off his body...parts of his body exposed...bleeding profusely....losing energy...losing physical strength.
Get the picture?
And still, Jesus let them.
As if that wasn't enough, after Jesus was flogged, the Bible tells us that the governors soldiers took Jesus into the "Praetorium" which would of been like an arena like area (Matthew 27:27). It would of been an open area where they could place Jesus in the center and mock him.
We are told that the soldiers stripped Him of his clothing...
All jokes aside, most of us can't even bear to wear a swimsuit in public...and there is our King, standing naked for all the world to make fun of...
They made him a crown of thorns.
Do you remember how much it hurt the last time you pricked your finger on a rose bush? When the soldiers "placed" it on Jesus' head, they shoved the crown of thorns DEEP into his flesh and jammed it down on his head...
Seriously, the pain is more than I can imagine.
And still Jesus stood there.
Next, they placed a robe on Him...and mockingly knelt down and worshiped Him. This is noteworthy because keep in mind that He was flogged and so his body and torso would of been completely open and bloody.
Ever scrape your knee or something and then wear jeans?? By the end of the day, if the wound isn't covered, your jeans have completely dried to the wound...and you go to take your pants off and it HURTS because the fabric has stuck to the wound?
They placed the robe on Him...all over his blood crusted and open flesh body...and later on ripped the robe off...re-exposing all of his wounds.
And STILL, Jesus remained.
Matthew 27:30 tells us the soldiers spit on Him (which shows such disgust and contempt).
They beat him over and over with clubs...striking His already weak body, over and over again.
He couldn't of been able to even stand...
They ripped out parts of his bead...lets be honest ladies...those of you who get your eyebrows waxed...you know it hurts. IT DOES. The soldiers RIPPED out chunks of His beard from His flesh...
Our Jesus must not of even been recognizable...He was beaten and tortured so severely.
And still, Jesus remained.
While the soldiers forced Jesus to carry His own cross to Golgotha, it doesn't come as a surprise that Jesus stumbled while He walked.
As horrific as all this is, its really just the tip of the iceberg, compared to the brutality of the actual crucifixion.
As they laid Jesus down on the cross, spikes....HUGE spikes, were driven through His hands and feet.
Ever hit yourself with a hammer? Yea, you know how bad that hurts...
And these soldiers weren't "gentle" about it...driving the nails deeper and deeper into His hands.
If you've ever gotten a tattoo, you'll know that your feet and hands are some of the most sensitive areas on your body...they are full of nerve endings that resound all over your body.
Every single square inch of Jesus's body would of felt the pain that shot from each slam of the soldiers hammers.
After Jesus was nailed on the cross, the soldiers would of pulled the cross to an upright position...
Now comes the real pain...
As Jesus HUNG on the cross, and when I say HUNG, I mean HUNG. The force of gravity would of immediately taken over and the flesh in His hands would of started tearing from lack of physical strength. It would of been incredibly difficult for Jesus to keep Himself upright.
As His body became physically weaker and weaker, it would of started to slump further down, making it almost impossible for Him to breath.
AND STILL HE REMAINED.
At any point, He could of called down the angels...God the Father could of struck them all dead....brought Jesus up to Heaven...
Ended it all...
But then I wouldn't of had the chance to live for the Lord and spend eternity with Him.
Just like the story of Abraham, when God asked him to sacrifice his beloved first born son, Isaac. At the moment of true obedience on Abraham's part, God provided the Lamb for the sacrifice.
And that's what Jesus was for all of us.
The LAMB of GOD. The ONLY way any of us could ever have TRUE SALVATION. He gives us the HOPE of a future with the Lord.
After all of that...I was still stupid enough to disobey His word today.
I thank God that He loved me enough to send Jesus to do that for me...so that the blackness in my sinners heart can be made as clean as snow.
This is what I think about each Easter season...
Happy Easter to you.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Friday, March 22, 2013
Peter and Me.
So, I admit it....I've gotten into the History Channel's The Bible, TV mini-series.
I think its COOL.
I have read the Bible, front-to-cover, twice now in my lifetime. Some of the stories conjure up images within my imagination, as I try to understand what it must of been like to witness Noah and the ark and watch it rain for 40 days...or what the Red Sea really looked like when Moses parted the waters...or even felt the earth tremble as the walls of Jericho tumbled down as Joshua and his men marched around it. The Bible is brimming full of instances in history that defy logic and create wonder and awe...and if you didn't see it with your own eyes, its hard to imagine the magnitude of what God really did. The movie puts an entirely different spin on the ever popular Sunday School stories that many of us have heard all our lives. In our youth, the stories are depicted with sunny faces, fluffy angels and even a pretty rainbow.
The reality of what transpired however, is far from sunny and happy.
I think its somewhat noteworthy to comment on the fact that there is a warning sign about the explicitly of some images that are portrayed in this movie...but in all reality, Hollywood most likely hasn't even touched what the brutality of those times were. I mean, think about what the Crucifixion really is about. There is nothing beautiful, or even heroic about it (apart from what Jesus did for us). And, as I watch the movie, it becomes clear that most of the characters in the Bible that followed God were subject to horrific brutality.
But, really, what was I thinking? When Samson's eyes were gouged out, was it really a pretty sight? No. I'm sure there was not a doctor there to give him pain medicine to ease his physical suffering.
Ever wonder what it would be like to be caged up with lions? I can't even bear to stand close to a lions cage at the zoo, let alone be in a den with them.
Anyways, moving on...
So far, my absolute favorite part has been when Peter meets Jesus for the first time.
I think out of all the apostles and characters in the Bible, I identify the most with Peter.
He stumbled horribly, he doubted, he failed...and yet he loved Jesus so much.
In the movie, Peter meets Jesus as he is about to go fishing. It is obvious that Peter is very discouraged by the lack of fish. When Jesus offers to help him, Peter declines the invitation and even goes as far to say "whats the point? There is no fish out there anyway..." (as he wistfully looks out onto the water, discouraged by the lack of fruit for his labor).
I have felt the same way and said similar words this week: "What's the point??" It makes me wonder, why try so hard? Why keep going? Does it really matter how hard we try?
Okay, back to the movie...
Of course, not dismayed by Peters brush off, Jesus walks into the water, forcing Peter to help him climb up into the boat (keep in mind, Peter already told Jesus no...but as we all understand, Jesus didn't take no for an answer...I love the smile on Jesus face as he gazes at an exasperated Peter...a teasing smirk, or chuckle if you will...like I said, the visual truly helps to understand their relationship better).
Completely exasperated by his self-invited guest, Peter casts the boat off the shore. From there, Jesus commands the fish to the water around the boat, tells Peter to cast the net...and fish abound, much to Peters amazement and awe. He looks at Jesus with wonder...Jesus gazes back at him with love.
I've talked before about when Peter walked on water (it's one of my favorite stories). Peter seemed to be one of the boldest about following Jesus to the ends of the earth and yet his lack of faith always seemed to get the best of him.
Why? Because he's human. And so am I.
And still, Jesus relationship with Peter was special...because above all, Peter loved his Lord.
In another scene, when Jesus is speaking to Peter right before He is arrested (I skipped ahead to a special sneak peek), Peter proclaims his undying loyalty and love to Jesus. Its the look on the actors face who plays Jesus that speaks volumes, as he rushes forward and embraces Peter. He knows what is to come...
Its the hug that matters...Jesus tells Peter before the rooster crows, he will deny him three times.
And in Jesus's embrace, He forgives Peter for what he is about to do.
How many times do we deny God in our own lives? Every time we choose something over Him.
Every time we doubt what He can do in our lives.
Every time we panic (as I have done this week).
And yet, because of the Grace that only He can provide, He is ready to hug us back. Forgiveness is there for the taking! If we have asked Jesus to live in our hearts, then we are His eternal prodigal children.
What a comfort that brings!
I'll admit, there are some scenes in the movie that I can't watch...
I wont be able to watch the crucifixion.
It's too much for my sinners heart to watch what He did for me. I don't deserve what He did.
None of us do.
And yet, He did it, because He loves me that much. MY face was in His minds-eye as he was brutally beaten and tortured. He could of called down the angels and destroyed all of those who mocked and beat Him...but He knew that I would need a savior and someone to live for...and so he laid there and let people beat Him, stab Him, shove thorns down into His flesh, rip a cat-of-nine tails around his body, tearing chunks of flesh off of His bones and tearing chunks of his beard out of His face.
If we were to witness the crucifixion today, the most gruesome, grisly Hollywood horror flick would still not compare to what Jesus physically endured for us.
Above all, as I continue to watch the movie and ponder the events that transpired, it makes me ashamed at the lack of faith that I have.
What would I do if I were faced with similar circumstances in life?
Earlier this week, I was on the verge of a panic attack, as I stewed and fretted over the state of the world, our economy and the direction the government is taking our country.
I was alone in the car and I needed to talk to someone....so, I called my dad.
First of all, if I've never told you all this before, my dad was a pastor before my parents decided to become missionaries to the Philippines.
I have said this so many times, but I wish that I could go back in time. I would like to be able to go back to when my dad preached, but have the understanding that I have now.
He was a great pastor.
God gave him a special ability to comprehend scripture and be able to explain it in a way that gives clear understanding.
My dad's still got it...
I felt so much better after I talked to him. He simply said that if we live for the Lord, we will spend eternity with Him...its useless to get all worked up about what "may come"...but we are assured that the end will result with eternity spent with Jesus.
Sure, we may face trials that go beyond our comprehension...and there may soon come a day where our faith is tested, as it was for many of those in the Bible.
I told him I fear for my children...but my dad just said this is a time that we should be teaching our children right from wrong and to teach them the importance of taking a stand for what is right.
As I hung up the phone with him, I was overwhelmed with a feeling of gratitude that Paul Leslie is my dad. I still miss his teaching and preaching...but I'm glad that I can call and talk with him when my heart is troubled.
And even more overwhelmed with gratitude that the Lord is my heavenly father, looking down on me with love and guidance. He gives me the peace that I need in these troubled times.
I think its COOL.
I have read the Bible, front-to-cover, twice now in my lifetime. Some of the stories conjure up images within my imagination, as I try to understand what it must of been like to witness Noah and the ark and watch it rain for 40 days...or what the Red Sea really looked like when Moses parted the waters...or even felt the earth tremble as the walls of Jericho tumbled down as Joshua and his men marched around it. The Bible is brimming full of instances in history that defy logic and create wonder and awe...and if you didn't see it with your own eyes, its hard to imagine the magnitude of what God really did. The movie puts an entirely different spin on the ever popular Sunday School stories that many of us have heard all our lives. In our youth, the stories are depicted with sunny faces, fluffy angels and even a pretty rainbow.
The reality of what transpired however, is far from sunny and happy.
I think its somewhat noteworthy to comment on the fact that there is a warning sign about the explicitly of some images that are portrayed in this movie...but in all reality, Hollywood most likely hasn't even touched what the brutality of those times were. I mean, think about what the Crucifixion really is about. There is nothing beautiful, or even heroic about it (apart from what Jesus did for us). And, as I watch the movie, it becomes clear that most of the characters in the Bible that followed God were subject to horrific brutality.
But, really, what was I thinking? When Samson's eyes were gouged out, was it really a pretty sight? No. I'm sure there was not a doctor there to give him pain medicine to ease his physical suffering.
Ever wonder what it would be like to be caged up with lions? I can't even bear to stand close to a lions cage at the zoo, let alone be in a den with them.
Anyways, moving on...
So far, my absolute favorite part has been when Peter meets Jesus for the first time.
I think out of all the apostles and characters in the Bible, I identify the most with Peter.
He stumbled horribly, he doubted, he failed...and yet he loved Jesus so much.
In the movie, Peter meets Jesus as he is about to go fishing. It is obvious that Peter is very discouraged by the lack of fish. When Jesus offers to help him, Peter declines the invitation and even goes as far to say "whats the point? There is no fish out there anyway..." (as he wistfully looks out onto the water, discouraged by the lack of fruit for his labor).
I have felt the same way and said similar words this week: "What's the point??" It makes me wonder, why try so hard? Why keep going? Does it really matter how hard we try?
Okay, back to the movie...
Of course, not dismayed by Peters brush off, Jesus walks into the water, forcing Peter to help him climb up into the boat (keep in mind, Peter already told Jesus no...but as we all understand, Jesus didn't take no for an answer...I love the smile on Jesus face as he gazes at an exasperated Peter...a teasing smirk, or chuckle if you will...like I said, the visual truly helps to understand their relationship better).
Completely exasperated by his self-invited guest, Peter casts the boat off the shore. From there, Jesus commands the fish to the water around the boat, tells Peter to cast the net...and fish abound, much to Peters amazement and awe. He looks at Jesus with wonder...Jesus gazes back at him with love.
I've talked before about when Peter walked on water (it's one of my favorite stories). Peter seemed to be one of the boldest about following Jesus to the ends of the earth and yet his lack of faith always seemed to get the best of him.
Why? Because he's human. And so am I.
And still, Jesus relationship with Peter was special...because above all, Peter loved his Lord.
In another scene, when Jesus is speaking to Peter right before He is arrested (I skipped ahead to a special sneak peek), Peter proclaims his undying loyalty and love to Jesus. Its the look on the actors face who plays Jesus that speaks volumes, as he rushes forward and embraces Peter. He knows what is to come...
Its the hug that matters...Jesus tells Peter before the rooster crows, he will deny him three times.
And in Jesus's embrace, He forgives Peter for what he is about to do.
How many times do we deny God in our own lives? Every time we choose something over Him.
Every time we doubt what He can do in our lives.
Every time we panic (as I have done this week).
And yet, because of the Grace that only He can provide, He is ready to hug us back. Forgiveness is there for the taking! If we have asked Jesus to live in our hearts, then we are His eternal prodigal children.
What a comfort that brings!
I'll admit, there are some scenes in the movie that I can't watch...
I wont be able to watch the crucifixion.
It's too much for my sinners heart to watch what He did for me. I don't deserve what He did.
None of us do.
And yet, He did it, because He loves me that much. MY face was in His minds-eye as he was brutally beaten and tortured. He could of called down the angels and destroyed all of those who mocked and beat Him...but He knew that I would need a savior and someone to live for...and so he laid there and let people beat Him, stab Him, shove thorns down into His flesh, rip a cat-of-nine tails around his body, tearing chunks of flesh off of His bones and tearing chunks of his beard out of His face.
If we were to witness the crucifixion today, the most gruesome, grisly Hollywood horror flick would still not compare to what Jesus physically endured for us.
Above all, as I continue to watch the movie and ponder the events that transpired, it makes me ashamed at the lack of faith that I have.
What would I do if I were faced with similar circumstances in life?
Earlier this week, I was on the verge of a panic attack, as I stewed and fretted over the state of the world, our economy and the direction the government is taking our country.
I was alone in the car and I needed to talk to someone....so, I called my dad.
First of all, if I've never told you all this before, my dad was a pastor before my parents decided to become missionaries to the Philippines.
I have said this so many times, but I wish that I could go back in time. I would like to be able to go back to when my dad preached, but have the understanding that I have now.
He was a great pastor.
God gave him a special ability to comprehend scripture and be able to explain it in a way that gives clear understanding.
My dad's still got it...
I felt so much better after I talked to him. He simply said that if we live for the Lord, we will spend eternity with Him...its useless to get all worked up about what "may come"...but we are assured that the end will result with eternity spent with Jesus.
Sure, we may face trials that go beyond our comprehension...and there may soon come a day where our faith is tested, as it was for many of those in the Bible.
I told him I fear for my children...but my dad just said this is a time that we should be teaching our children right from wrong and to teach them the importance of taking a stand for what is right.
As I hung up the phone with him, I was overwhelmed with a feeling of gratitude that Paul Leslie is my dad. I still miss his teaching and preaching...but I'm glad that I can call and talk with him when my heart is troubled.
And even more overwhelmed with gratitude that the Lord is my heavenly father, looking down on me with love and guidance. He gives me the peace that I need in these troubled times.
Monday, February 18, 2013
What's the Point??
Do you ever stop in the middle of your crazy life, and think to yourself:
Who am I?
What's my purpose here in this world? (We all have one...)
What am I supposed to be doing while I'm on this planet?? (I hope not just existing!)
This is something that I think about all the time...
And, I don't think I'm alone.
I mean, if there is no purpose...then what's the point??
Sure, I have a totally fab women's boutique...
But, it's my job.
It's my trade...its what I do to hopefully earn a living, to pay for the necessities in life and take care of my family.
But it's not my purpose.
It's not what God put me on this planet for.
Owning the shop is part of His plan and it helps me execute my purpose in life, but its not my destiny. I don't want to be remembered for selling shoes...
As I look back over the years, it is evident to me how He has allowed me to go through certain life experiences, in order to help me have greater compassion and understanding of what's going on in the lives of people that I meet in life now.
I think at times, we over think this concept...perhaps you may feel that only people like Ghandi, or Martin Luther King, Jr. are people that have great purposes...or that God looks down in higher favor with people who are in the spotlight doing "great" things for mankind.
But, its just not true.
It's we as humans who make others actions out to be "grand"...not God. He looks in favor to ANYONE who is faithful to answer HIS call on their lives.
God does not play favorites...
We are not all called to do the same thing...but we are ALL called to do something.
Or be someone...
In the 36 years I've been in this world, I have had my heart broken to the point that it felt like it was bleeding, suffering and full of sorrow.
I have experienced my parents divorce. I have experienced my own divorce. I have experienced deep depression. I have experienced post-partum depression. I have been betrayed. I have betrayed others. I have been hurt by words. I have hurt others with my own words. I have been emotionally abused by a husband who did not love me. I was told I was nothing, over and over again. I have lost loved ones. I have had to watch people I love suffer. I have had to deal with separation from my children. I have made bad choices in my life. I have been angry, lost, sad and left in despair.
It's been a heck of a ride...
There were days that I didn't want to even wake up. I would pray that God would just let me go to sleep and not wake up, ever again.
But, if that were to happen, I wouldn't be fulfilling my God-given purpose, would I?
Because I have written about this before in my blogs, as you know, I went through a very dark time in my life. I don't refer to it as a dark period, necessarily because of the events that transpired, but because I was not living for the Lord. I turned my back on the Lord, in anger, hurt and frustration. I felt that He abandoned me and was not watching over me...He let some really bad things happen in my life, things that I didn't understand.
It was several years later that I realized that it was not He who turned His back on me, but rather mine on Him.
I will always remember the feeling of when I turned back to the warmth of His embrace. The fullness, contentment and peace that I felt when I turned back to His light....
The grace and forgiveness...
Oh, words will never describe it.
I still can't...
I think all that I have experienced, the good and the bad, has lead up to this point in my life. It has all been working together, since I was a child, all weaving together to help me realize the purpose that God has given me. Going through all that darkness helped me realize how desolate my life was and that I never want to feel like that again. NEVER.
Ever.
My mom visited me a few weeks ago. At one point, Jae, my daughter, was telling Grammy about a Spirit Award that she had received at school. Jae was recognized because she got up from her table of friends during Intervention to go sit with a classmate of hers that was sitting alone. Jae recognized that she could help make this little girl feel accepted and loved, by sitting with her. As Jae was explaining to her Grammy what she did, my mom looked at me and told Jae that she knew another young girl that used to do the same thing when she was Jae's age: me.
Grammy went on to tell Jae that she was just like her mama in that regard, always trying to make sure others around her feel loved...that people don't feel left out. That people understand how valuable they are and needed.
I think one of the worst things that could be said of my life is that someone in my life didn't understand their worth in my eyes. I would hate it if you didn't realize how important you were to me, or to the Lord!
The conversation that Jae and my mom had has been stuck in my head for the last two weeks.
In my reflection, I have realized that my purpose is very simple...and it's something I've been doing for as long as I can remember.
My purpose in this world is to LOVE. It is to show love to others, so that they feel the love of Christ and know that they are worth something. Hopefully in this, they will come to the Lord too....or find Him in times of struggle.
My oldest daughter, Brooke and I were talking about this very subject, this morning. I told her, for as long as I live, I will proclaim my love for the Lord. I cannot express my gratitude in enough ways, to show Him how grateful I am for His mercy, love, understanding and GRACE.
Just remember that YOU have a purpose too. God has a plan for you...you will only find peace when you are resting in what He wants you to be doing.
If you want to find meaning in life or feel grounded, He is the only way you will ever feel that way.
No matter where you have been, or what has happened in your life...God will use it, somehow for His glory...if you let Him.
For all things work together for HIS GOOD. God wants the glory, in all that we do...even in times of trial, suffering and pain. He can use our hearts, no matter the state they are in, for His purpose and plan.
My life is living proof. I will sing of His praises, all of my day!
There is a relatively new song out, that has quickly become my new favorite...the group Philips, Craig and Dean are one of my favorites, and the lyrics of so many of their songs have always struck a cord with me. Their latest, "Top of My Lungs", really speaks to my heart...
Here is the song...I imagine myself on top of a mountain, belting this song out (I am a much better singer in my head, than reality).
Love you all.
Who am I?
What's my purpose here in this world? (We all have one...)
What am I supposed to be doing while I'm on this planet?? (I hope not just existing!)
This is something that I think about all the time...
And, I don't think I'm alone.
I mean, if there is no purpose...then what's the point??
Sure, I have a totally fab women's boutique...
But, it's my job.
It's my trade...its what I do to hopefully earn a living, to pay for the necessities in life and take care of my family.
But it's not my purpose.
It's not what God put me on this planet for.
Owning the shop is part of His plan and it helps me execute my purpose in life, but its not my destiny. I don't want to be remembered for selling shoes...
As I look back over the years, it is evident to me how He has allowed me to go through certain life experiences, in order to help me have greater compassion and understanding of what's going on in the lives of people that I meet in life now.
I think at times, we over think this concept...perhaps you may feel that only people like Ghandi, or Martin Luther King, Jr. are people that have great purposes...or that God looks down in higher favor with people who are in the spotlight doing "great" things for mankind.
But, its just not true.
It's we as humans who make others actions out to be "grand"...not God. He looks in favor to ANYONE who is faithful to answer HIS call on their lives.
God does not play favorites...
We are not all called to do the same thing...but we are ALL called to do something.
Or be someone...
In the 36 years I've been in this world, I have had my heart broken to the point that it felt like it was bleeding, suffering and full of sorrow.
I have experienced my parents divorce. I have experienced my own divorce. I have experienced deep depression. I have experienced post-partum depression. I have been betrayed. I have betrayed others. I have been hurt by words. I have hurt others with my own words. I have been emotionally abused by a husband who did not love me. I was told I was nothing, over and over again. I have lost loved ones. I have had to watch people I love suffer. I have had to deal with separation from my children. I have made bad choices in my life. I have been angry, lost, sad and left in despair.
It's been a heck of a ride...
There were days that I didn't want to even wake up. I would pray that God would just let me go to sleep and not wake up, ever again.
But, if that were to happen, I wouldn't be fulfilling my God-given purpose, would I?
Because I have written about this before in my blogs, as you know, I went through a very dark time in my life. I don't refer to it as a dark period, necessarily because of the events that transpired, but because I was not living for the Lord. I turned my back on the Lord, in anger, hurt and frustration. I felt that He abandoned me and was not watching over me...He let some really bad things happen in my life, things that I didn't understand.
It was several years later that I realized that it was not He who turned His back on me, but rather mine on Him.
I will always remember the feeling of when I turned back to the warmth of His embrace. The fullness, contentment and peace that I felt when I turned back to His light....
The grace and forgiveness...
Oh, words will never describe it.
I still can't...
I think all that I have experienced, the good and the bad, has lead up to this point in my life. It has all been working together, since I was a child, all weaving together to help me realize the purpose that God has given me. Going through all that darkness helped me realize how desolate my life was and that I never want to feel like that again. NEVER.
Ever.
My mom visited me a few weeks ago. At one point, Jae, my daughter, was telling Grammy about a Spirit Award that she had received at school. Jae was recognized because she got up from her table of friends during Intervention to go sit with a classmate of hers that was sitting alone. Jae recognized that she could help make this little girl feel accepted and loved, by sitting with her. As Jae was explaining to her Grammy what she did, my mom looked at me and told Jae that she knew another young girl that used to do the same thing when she was Jae's age: me.
Grammy went on to tell Jae that she was just like her mama in that regard, always trying to make sure others around her feel loved...that people don't feel left out. That people understand how valuable they are and needed.
I think one of the worst things that could be said of my life is that someone in my life didn't understand their worth in my eyes. I would hate it if you didn't realize how important you were to me, or to the Lord!
The conversation that Jae and my mom had has been stuck in my head for the last two weeks.
In my reflection, I have realized that my purpose is very simple...and it's something I've been doing for as long as I can remember.
My purpose in this world is to LOVE. It is to show love to others, so that they feel the love of Christ and know that they are worth something. Hopefully in this, they will come to the Lord too....or find Him in times of struggle.
My oldest daughter, Brooke and I were talking about this very subject, this morning. I told her, for as long as I live, I will proclaim my love for the Lord. I cannot express my gratitude in enough ways, to show Him how grateful I am for His mercy, love, understanding and GRACE.
Just remember that YOU have a purpose too. God has a plan for you...you will only find peace when you are resting in what He wants you to be doing.
If you want to find meaning in life or feel grounded, He is the only way you will ever feel that way.
No matter where you have been, or what has happened in your life...God will use it, somehow for His glory...if you let Him.
For all things work together for HIS GOOD. God wants the glory, in all that we do...even in times of trial, suffering and pain. He can use our hearts, no matter the state they are in, for His purpose and plan.
My life is living proof. I will sing of His praises, all of my day!
There is a relatively new song out, that has quickly become my new favorite...the group Philips, Craig and Dean are one of my favorites, and the lyrics of so many of their songs have always struck a cord with me. Their latest, "Top of My Lungs", really speaks to my heart...
Here is the song...I imagine myself on top of a mountain, belting this song out (I am a much better singer in my head, than reality).
Love you all.
Monday, January 7, 2013
Hope & the Apostle Peter
Anywho, I do hope that your Christmas season and New Year's holidays were blessed and full of love and hope. To me, that's really what the holiday season is about...
Love & Hope.
or...
Hope & Love.
Its really what we all need on a regular basis, isn't it?
For me, over the last six months, I needed hope...and lots of it.
The past year was a difficult one for me. It felt like there was a little black cloud that followed me all over the place. No matter how hard I tried to be optimistic or happy, I felt like God just kept stretching me in ways that were really painful. Through my personal life, as well as the life of the store, I felt like I was continually walking in the dark and on eggshells. Even my sleep seemed disturbed.
Worry is like a thief...
With the state of the economy and the negativity saturating the media, I felt like that little black cloud hovered over Christmas too. My joy was not as bountiful this year and I felt discouraged, desperate and even angry.
As hard as I tried to ignore the news, it was impossible to not worry about the approaching Fiscal Cliff that our lawmakers kept warning we were about to go over...
Or to hear the disgusting news of sweet little kids being brutally and horrifically murdered, just because.
In my eyes, the evil that is roaming this earth is very apparent. But, I shouldn't be too surprised.
The Bible tells us that Satan and his demons are free to roam the earth, until Christ comes back. Until then, this kind of havoc and hate will continue.
Sigh...
Throughout the months of October, November and December, I hit my knees to the ground in prayer many times. I even had special friends pray with me, desperately hoping for clear answers from the Lord. I craved relief. I clung to the verse that tells us that when "two or more are gathered in My name, there I will be also". Through the trials and tribulations of this last year, I have needed to feel the closeness that only my heavenly Father can bring. I just wanted to hear Him say that everything would be okay.
I needed HOPE that it was all gonna work out.
There were days that I felt the relief, but honestly, there were days that I didn't understand and the clouds seemed to storm in.
Like I said, worry is like a thief. I let my own despair get in the way of what I know God wants me to do.
Over the last couple of weeks the shadows have started to diminish. I have come to this understanding: sometimes the Lord gives us just what we NEED, rather than what we WANT or what we THINK we need. I have come to understand that what HE WANTS is for us to literally check with Him every step of the way.
And this is exactly why the Apostle Peter was able to walk on water...he kept his eyes boldly on Jesus. Being the Creator of everything, the Lord defied logic and nature, giving Peter the ability to walk on water. The minute he looked down is when he started sinking. Sometimes the task that God sets before us seem larger than life. At times we wonder, how in the world can they even be accomplished? The beauty of Peter's story is that it wasn't his own ability to walk on water. Its was Jesus, and only Jesus, who gave Peter the ability to walk on water.
If Jesus could help Peter walk on water, surely He will give me the ability and tools I need to do the job that He has set before me, right?
This weekend, the Lord supplied everything that I NEED to do the job that He has set out for me.
And that is what gives me HOPE.
I think when the answer I had been seeking suddenly became clear, I literally breathed out a sigh of relief...and felt my knuckles relax. (If it's possible to be white knuckled with worry, without physically holding onto something, I believe I've experienced it over the last few months).
As I look back over 2012 I am reminded of many blessings and trials that the Lord brought me through. However, just like an artist places glass in a fire to refine it, the past should never define us...only REFINE us.
I am reminded of the somewhat cliche poem "Footprints in the Sand". We've all heard it a million times, or seen it on convenience store plaques. But, as I look at the past year and look to how He provided for me and helped me understand things better this past weekend, I can see Him carrying me the whole way.
I am so thankful for His love and the HOPE that is in Him.
Where would I be without it? Probably in a permanent state of grumpiness and despair...
Blessings to you, on this January day! May you have HOPE for an amazing year...remember, despite the world we live in...HE is in control.
Another one of
my favorite songs, sung by Steven Curtis Chapman,
"Sometimes He Comes
in the Clouds"...
powerful lyrics that spoke to me continually over the last few months.
I hope they minister to you, as they did me.
"For where two or three gather in my name,
there am I with them.” ~Matthew 18:20
"For where two or three gather in my name,
there am I with them.” ~Matthew 18:20
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Day 8...30 Things.
Moving right along...
Day 8!!
Here goes...
Item #8:
What are 5 passions you have?
1. My Savior. Wow, when I think about what my life could be like without Jesus, it scares me half to death. I really don't know how people manage this life without Him in their lives.
2. My kids. I want to make sure they are all taken care of, happy and doing well in their lives. I know they must stumble and fall in life, but I want to be there to help them get back up. They are my life! I love to treat them to things, spoil them, shower them with love. They are all getting to old to let me get huggy-huggy with me...it can feel awkward sometimes, lol...but I hope they all know I would do absolutely anything for any of them. They are my life line.
3. My Husband. I love him. I love that we get to share our life together...I love that I can be real with him...I love taking care of him, cooking his meals...washing his clothes...spending time, even if it's watching HGTV together. I love how he makes me laugh...especially when I don't want to laugh. He knows what to do to make me giggle every time. I also love the little touches he sometimes brings to my life...every once in awhile I get an extra special note, or little just because gift or text message. Those are the moments that I live for. I love them.
4. My store. I love what I do...and most of all I love that I get to help other women who have either experienced similar circumstances that I had to go through. I love being able to make someone smile and make them happy. I love to see people's faces light up when they see something fun in my shop...I mean really...who doesn't love a great pair of shoes??
5. My family. I love each and every one of them. I think that family is the most important thing. I am so thankful to have two amazing families...here and in Georgia.
6. My house. In an old fashioned kinda way, I think a woman's place is in the home (and work...I think women can have it all). I love to make my house a home...I want all my kids to know that no matter where they are in life, they can always come home. There is always an open door, and always open arms ready to hug and help. I love to decorate...I love to make things look pretty. I LOVE IT.
Okay, so that was 6...I'm a very passionate person lol!!
Day 8!!
Here goes...
Item #8:
What are 5 passions you have?
1. My Savior. Wow, when I think about what my life could be like without Jesus, it scares me half to death. I really don't know how people manage this life without Him in their lives.
2. My kids. I want to make sure they are all taken care of, happy and doing well in their lives. I know they must stumble and fall in life, but I want to be there to help them get back up. They are my life! I love to treat them to things, spoil them, shower them with love. They are all getting to old to let me get huggy-huggy with me...it can feel awkward sometimes, lol...but I hope they all know I would do absolutely anything for any of them. They are my life line.
3. My Husband. I love him. I love that we get to share our life together...I love that I can be real with him...I love taking care of him, cooking his meals...washing his clothes...spending time, even if it's watching HGTV together. I love how he makes me laugh...especially when I don't want to laugh. He knows what to do to make me giggle every time. I also love the little touches he sometimes brings to my life...every once in awhile I get an extra special note, or little just because gift or text message. Those are the moments that I live for. I love them.
4. My store. I love what I do...and most of all I love that I get to help other women who have either experienced similar circumstances that I had to go through. I love being able to make someone smile and make them happy. I love to see people's faces light up when they see something fun in my shop...I mean really...who doesn't love a great pair of shoes??
5. My family. I love each and every one of them. I think that family is the most important thing. I am so thankful to have two amazing families...here and in Georgia.
6. My house. In an old fashioned kinda way, I think a woman's place is in the home (and work...I think women can have it all). I love to make my house a home...I want all my kids to know that no matter where they are in life, they can always come home. There is always an open door, and always open arms ready to hug and help. I love to decorate...I love to make things look pretty. I LOVE IT.
Okay, so that was 6...I'm a very passionate person lol!!
Day 7...30 Things.
What's up?? :) Hope your day is going well...
Ready for Day 7?
Here goes....
Item #7: What is your dream job, and why?
What I am doing, right now in my life, is my dream job.
I know it wasn't my dream job when I was a kid...
When I was younger, ever since I can remember up until my senior year of high school...all I wanted to be was a Chef.
That was it.
My dad took me to visit a cooking academy, about 6 hours away from home...and I got scared.
I chickened out and never looked back.
It's funny where life takes you, when you least expect it.
Since then I've had other aspirations, but nothing that have given me the satisfaction that this job has given me.
I love to see women happy.
I love to see how much better a woman feels when they are dressed in something pretty and fun!
I love to play with shoes...and handbags...and clothing...and jewelry.
I love fashion and I love my job.
But, aside from the fun stuff, I honestly love that I get to help women, and talk to them when they are having a bad day. Or, offer a hug when life's frustrations come our way.
I love that the most about my job.
You.
Ready for Day 7?
Here goes....
Item #7: What is your dream job, and why?
What I am doing, right now in my life, is my dream job.
I know it wasn't my dream job when I was a kid...
When I was younger, ever since I can remember up until my senior year of high school...all I wanted to be was a Chef.
That was it.
My dad took me to visit a cooking academy, about 6 hours away from home...and I got scared.
I chickened out and never looked back.
It's funny where life takes you, when you least expect it.
Since then I've had other aspirations, but nothing that have given me the satisfaction that this job has given me.
I love to see women happy.
I love to see how much better a woman feels when they are dressed in something pretty and fun!
I love to play with shoes...and handbags...and clothing...and jewelry.
I love fashion and I love my job.
But, aside from the fun stuff, I honestly love that I get to help women, and talk to them when they are having a bad day. Or, offer a hug when life's frustrations come our way.
I love that the most about my job.
You.
Monday, September 17, 2012
Day 6...30 Things.
Hello everyone!! I hope you all had a great weekend...full of fabulous fun!!
Ready for Day 6??
I am!
Here goes...
Item #6:
What is the hardest thing you've ever had to experience?
I've been thinking about this all morning...I keep coming up with hard things I've had to go through. Of course when you're in the middle of a struggle, all problems seem to be difficult.
When I moved to Kansas, being away from my mom, dad, brother, sisters and best friends was awful. Sometimes the ache in my heart was so bad I couldn't stand it.
Or I think about the trauma that my family and I experienced in the Philippines...between the numerous coup attempts that the rebels tried to overthrow the government...or when there was a huge earthquake in the Philippines and the aftershocks lasted for weeks.
All really bad stuff.
But, even when I thought things were nothing but doom and gloom...the light did eventually shine.
After much thought, I came up with what I think was the most difficult thing I've ever experienced. The reason I say it was the worst, was because it seemed to be attacking many different aspects of my life.
I don't like to talk about it much, because that pain is still there...I suppose it always will be.
My divorce.
It ripped my family apart, as well as my heart. It was awful...the darkest days of my life. There really were days that I didn't think it ever would get better.
I've said this a thousand times, even if you're the one who wants the divorce, it still sucks. Every single, solitary minute of it.
I hated seeing the pain that my kids were in.
I hated the way people looked at me, as if they knew what was going on in my life. People had no clue and yet the judgement was passed.
The gossip. Every day...
Even seeing my family hurting...everyone went through pain.
Some of the worst days were when I was alone...I hated having to share my time that was spent with the kids. I had spent almost every minute of my time with them, when I wasn't at work. Every bath they took was given my me. Every meal they ate was prepared by me. I was the one who washed all their clothes, tucked them in at night, read them their bedtime stories, prayed with them, took them to the park, played games with them. It was all me and then all of a sudden I had all this time alone. It was such a sad time in my life, my heart was so empty it almost seemed to echo.
My mom always said that Divorce is the gift that keeps on giving...she is right. Every holiday or major life event...summers...winter breaks...special times that I have to be apart from my kids...its' like a knife in the heart.
Not to sound pessimistic, but I don't know that it will ever get better. Sure, with time it gets easier...and the pain dulls a bit...but it's still there.
I thank God for His grace and mercy that help me through those times. And my family now...and when I pick them up, when they have been away from me...their huge smiles and giant bear hugs are what warms my soul.
There are blessings that came out of that pain...God gave me another kid to love. Instead of having 2 kids to spoil, I now have 3.
Great and perfect things come in threes...
Ready for Day 6??
I am!
Here goes...
Item #6:
What is the hardest thing you've ever had to experience?
I've been thinking about this all morning...I keep coming up with hard things I've had to go through. Of course when you're in the middle of a struggle, all problems seem to be difficult.
When I moved to Kansas, being away from my mom, dad, brother, sisters and best friends was awful. Sometimes the ache in my heart was so bad I couldn't stand it.
Or I think about the trauma that my family and I experienced in the Philippines...between the numerous coup attempts that the rebels tried to overthrow the government...or when there was a huge earthquake in the Philippines and the aftershocks lasted for weeks.
All really bad stuff.
But, even when I thought things were nothing but doom and gloom...the light did eventually shine.
After much thought, I came up with what I think was the most difficult thing I've ever experienced. The reason I say it was the worst, was because it seemed to be attacking many different aspects of my life.
I don't like to talk about it much, because that pain is still there...I suppose it always will be.
My divorce.
It ripped my family apart, as well as my heart. It was awful...the darkest days of my life. There really were days that I didn't think it ever would get better.
I've said this a thousand times, even if you're the one who wants the divorce, it still sucks. Every single, solitary minute of it.
I hated seeing the pain that my kids were in.
I hated the way people looked at me, as if they knew what was going on in my life. People had no clue and yet the judgement was passed.
The gossip. Every day...
Even seeing my family hurting...everyone went through pain.
Some of the worst days were when I was alone...I hated having to share my time that was spent with the kids. I had spent almost every minute of my time with them, when I wasn't at work. Every bath they took was given my me. Every meal they ate was prepared by me. I was the one who washed all their clothes, tucked them in at night, read them their bedtime stories, prayed with them, took them to the park, played games with them. It was all me and then all of a sudden I had all this time alone. It was such a sad time in my life, my heart was so empty it almost seemed to echo.
My mom always said that Divorce is the gift that keeps on giving...she is right. Every holiday or major life event...summers...winter breaks...special times that I have to be apart from my kids...its' like a knife in the heart.
Not to sound pessimistic, but I don't know that it will ever get better. Sure, with time it gets easier...and the pain dulls a bit...but it's still there.
I thank God for His grace and mercy that help me through those times. And my family now...and when I pick them up, when they have been away from me...their huge smiles and giant bear hugs are what warms my soul.
There are blessings that came out of that pain...God gave me another kid to love. Instead of having 2 kids to spoil, I now have 3.
Great and perfect things come in threes...
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