Me 'n' Grumpy Bear

Yep, that's me...Grumpy Bear.  Boy have I had a terrible week...I'm not too proud to admit that I've been in a bad mood...

It just seems that nothing has gone right this week.

It's been hot, which seems to make everyone grumpy and miserable.  There's been no rain, which makes Mark (the handsome, husband-farmer-of-mine) extra grumpy.  Even I get a little grumpy when I think about what the outcome of a drought could mean for our community.

I've struggled with my Statistics class this week (I can't even say the word...if I've made it this long in life without knowing about Statistics, why do I have to learn now??!!).

Because it's been so hot, we've been so tired...and because we've been so tired, we haven't gotten up to work out at the gym...so I feel extra fat right now.

It's been slow in the store, and to top it all off, I haven't felt good.  In fact, I've felt down right yucky.  With the extra dry conditions and lack of rain, it seems that my allergies have gone into overdrive.

Wah, Wah, WAH!!  I literally say it to myself as I write this sad, soapy monologue...

I can hear my dad (or rather see him) rubbing his thumb and forefinger together...telling me this is the worlds smallest violin, playing my heart weeps for you...

Oh, dads sometimes!!

Have you ever felt like this?  Like no matter how hard you try to see that the glass is half full, all you see is an empty glass?
 
Last night, as I was thinking about my week (okay, I was moping) I was perusing through my iTunes library and ran across a fave of mine...and man is it a good one.

Steven Curtis Chapman...Be Still and Know.

Oh man, those words are like honey to my broken soul...in all the chaos of our lives, in all that we do...all we have to do is BE STILL and know that He is GOD.  That's it.  We don't need to get all upset over nothing, because HE is in control of EVERYTHING.  Even when we don't think about how God is working on our behalf, HE IS.  He is our father and we can always rest our hearts on Him.

I am reminded to stand in awe of Him, because He will never change.  EVER.

My favorite line in the song:

"be still o restless heart of mine...bow before the Prince of Peace...let the noise and clamor cease..."

Let those words sink in:  be still...let the noise and clamor cease...that's all my "wah, wah, wah" moments I just moped about.  The best cure for all that chaos?  A few moments with the Lord.  All we have to do is BREATHE him into our souls...let His love and mercy fill us up when we are deflated.  He is really all that I need.  When I think about it like this, all the noise and clamor does cease.

Thanks to one of my good friends, I've started doing yoga.  While I admit that it's incredibly much harder to do than it appears to be (I fall over almost every time I do it), there is something I absolutely love about it.  It's actually at the very end of my Biggest Loser Weight Loss Yoga Video that is my favorite.  Bob tells us to lay on the floor, palms up, and let ourselves "drop onto the floor".  We take deep breaths and push all negativity from our minds...so, I tune everything out of my mind, lay there with my palms facing up and I can feel my body relaxing.  (It's a good thing that Mark has never walked in on me during this part of the video, because I'm sure I would get teased)

This is why this part is my favorite:

I would imagine that this is what it's like to "be still" in front of the Lord.  Just sit with Him.  Let the absolute presence of the Lord be enough to calm us.  Be still.  Not be still and pay some bills, or watch some tv, or do some homework...but BE STILL.  Not move, just breathe in the amazingly beautiful glow of our Savior.

I can tell you, after I listened to the words of the song a few times last night, my little heart drifted off to a very content sleep...

Today, my attitude was better.

And, it rained (Praise Jesus!!).

I hope the next time you have a Grumpy Bear moment, try to remember to BE STILL...Be Speechless before the Lord.

Here is the song....

"Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him; 
do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes"
~Psalms 37:10

My Olympic Training

There are very few sporting events that really get me excited and pumped up (two, to be exact).  THE OLYMPICS and the NCAA March Madness Tournament.  The anticipation of the Olympics (both Summer & Winter) get my pulse racing, my heart beating quicker and my adrenaline rushing.  I LOVE THE OLYMPICS.  They are awesome!  I will actually stand in front of my t.v. and yell and cheer the athletes on...it's SO EXCITING!!

There are many aspects to the Olympics that I find interesting.  I love that despite the differences we all have, the pride in our country is what unifies us.  I admit whenever I hear the National Anthem and see our gorgeous flag hoisted over the podium, it gets me every time.  I have to fight back tears as I become so incredibly proud of the athletes that represent us and even greater pride in the country in which we live.

The athletes are another reason I love to watch the Olympics.  You know they compete because they want to...because it drives them...they have an inward push that makes them covet the gold like no other.  Talk about determination.  Can you imagine literally the blood, sweat and tears that go into training for the Olympics?  I think part of the reason that I admire them so much is that secretly I envy them.  I wish I could be that good at something...but then I have to remind myself that they are called to do that.  The reason they are so good at it is that they answered their calling.  They are doing what they are meant to be doing.

We are all called to do something...and we are called to endure, through the pain, the fatigue, and sometimes the agony that this life can bring us through.  Not everything in life is easy, but if it were then it wouldn't mean as much to us in the end.

With that being said, I have a confession to make:

I AM TIRED.  Exhausted.  Some of you may not know that I am currently finishing my bachelors degree...18 years later than I should of finished.  I'm about to be 36 years old, and I am a full time college student.  Why, you may ask?  (Sometimes I ask myself this question too)...

Because I gave up on myself many years ago, and I quit school before I earned my bachelors degree.  I can still hear the grief in my mom's voice when I told her I was quitting.  With a burden that has followed me most of my adult life (that nagging voice in the back of my head, telling me I gave up on college), I decided to quit talking about what I was going to do in my life, and actually do it.  You ever have one of those moments? 

Like, I'm gonna paint the living room one day...and then two years go by and you realize you've never gotten around to it?

Or, I'm gonna go on that trip...and your bags stay stuffed in your closet, because the tickets never got reserved?

It happens to all of us.  Time, money, life, kids...they are all good reasons for not getting around to something...

But for me, it was time to step up to the starting line, wait for the gun to sound and begin my race.

So, I did.  I enrolled in school, picked my major (BA in Business Administration with a concentration in Marketing).  Many of my classes have been a joy, while others (ACCOUNTING STINKS) have been nothing short of a challenge.  I failed both my accounting classes and had to re-take them.  Tears of frustration and aggravation poured down my face many times during those classes...but I kept going.  I knew that I had to pass those classes to earn my degree.

Some people have even asked me what I'm gonna get out of having my degree.  It will not earn me a promotion, it will not get me a better salary.  What I can say though, is that it has already given me satisfaction.  Satisfaction of knowing that I am working towards a goal of mine.  Satisfaction in that I am not just saying I'm doing something:  I'm really DOING it. 

And, the truth is: college has helped me.  Many of the classes I have taken have given me knowledge that I have been able to apply to my every day life.  It has made me a better business person, a better writer, even a better thinker.  I feel that it has helped shape me into a more well-rounded person. 

In fact, I don't think that I would of had the same experience then, as I have now.  One benefit of aging is maturing :)

I started school in early Spring of 2009, and have now completed 108 hours...I have to get to 120...12 hours away.  Why does it seem more like 120 hours, and not just 12?  I am this close, I can SEE the finish line...and yet as I get closer to the end, I am realizing how absolutely EXHAUSTED I am.  But as I have realized over the last week, while pondering my situation, its not at the beginning of the race that counts as much as the end.  It may have taken me a LONG TIME to get to where I am...but the point is, I HAVEN'T GIVEN UP. 

Up until Friday I thought I was only going to have to complete 3 more classes, because my academic advisor thought I could get one more old college class to transfer...but I officially got word on Friday that it was not going to work out that way.  I have four more months to go, instead of 3.  I had a moment of self-pity and sat in silence for a few minutes of frustration.  But then I got up, wiped away the frustration and got back into it. 

My main source of discouragement was realizing that I will have to wait until May 2013 to walk across the stage and wear the most coveted hat of my existence: my mortar board and tassel.  Technically I will be finished in December, but I will just miss the cut off by 2 weeks to participate in commencement, so I will have to wait to graduate until then. 

Moving on...

My main goal in sharing this with you all is to encourage you to keep it up.  Whatever it is in your life that is weighing on you, or perhaps its something that has nagged you for years.   Maybe its in fact to go back to school...maybe its to amend a broken relationship...maybe its to look for a new job.  Maybe its painting your living room!!  Whatever it may be, just do it.  Just try...and if at first you don't succeed, then try, TRY AGAIN.  When you feel exhausted, and you don't think there is another ounce of energy or gumption left in you, PRAY.  The Lord wants us to cast all our cares upon Him.  Let Him be the one to carry you the last leg of the race...that's what He WANTS to do.

Think about those Olympic athletes, how tired and exhausted they are, the last leg of their race....

I know you can do it. 

" I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, 
I have KEPT the FAITH." ~ 2 Timothy 4:7

My Siblings and I in front of the Olympic Stadium at the 1996 Atlanta Summer Games

Sometimes You Wanna Go, Where Everybody Knows Your Name...(and they're always glad you came)

For whatever reason, the lyrics to the theme song from the T.V. show Cheers always resounds in my head when I think about my shop.  It makes me think about what it is that we all really want out of life.  Don't we all just want to know that we are loved and wanted by at least one person?  I know I do.  If you were to ask me what it is that I want for Total Addiction, and you, my customers and friends, it is that each and everyone of you know what your worth is.  I pray continually, that when you walk through my doors, you will know that not only do I care about you as a person, but that the Lord loves you.  I pray you feel that love when you come to Total Addiction. 

As I think about my personal life, I realize how many friends I have been blessed with through the years of my life.  All of them contribute to my life in different ways, and I love them all.  Today, however,  I am sad  because one of my bestest friends, Jen, is about to move to Montana.  While I completely understand (and support) her reasons for moving, I selfishly wish that I could keep her here.  Her and I became friends many years ago and as I look back on our relationship, I chuckle to myself, reliving so many of our great memories.  

Years ago I experienced a lot of personal heartache and while many turned their backs on me, Jen did not and stood by me when I was at the lowest point of my life.  When it seemed like there was no light in the darkness of my heart, there was Jen.  She always had a smile, a hug, and a baseball bat ready to tear up anyone who kept hurting me ( I say this with a big grin).  When I broke my ankle running, she was the one who came and scooped me up to take me to the doctor (She was also the one who kept scolding me when I didn't want to use my dumb crutches).  When I was sick, she was there armed with a bowl of soup and a bottle of 7-up.  She loved my kids and helped me out whenever she could.  While she has never admitted to it, I think she is the one who initiated a secret Santa plot to shower my kiddos with love our first Christmas alone.

Through the years our friendship has changed, grown and become deeper.  So many things that I enjoy in my life now is directly because of my friendship with Jen.  She is the one who taught me how to appreciate a good glass of wine, introduced me to couscous and Edward Cullen.  She is also the one that I think about when I see someone else who is hurting, and I want them to know that they are not alone.  At Christmas time, I think about women who may have experienced similar circumstances to me, and because of Jen's secret Santa plot, I know that there is something that I can do to help them feel better.  Jen and I have laughed together until we were crying, and cried together until we were laughing.   She is someone who is better than a friend, she is one of my soul sisters.  As I bid her farewell, I know that no matter what comes our way in life, no matter where we may live, we will always be there for each other.  When we see each other next time, we will pick back up right where we left off, because that's how it is between her and I.  Shes my forever friend, and I wish her nothing but love and happiness as she is about to start a new chapter.

With that being said, if at any time in your life you feel alone, and don't think anyone cares (believe me, I've been there too), come see me at the shop.  I'll always have a hug, a smile and a heart that will listen. 

"May the Lord keep watch between you and me when we are away from each other."  

~Genesis 31:49