Proceed with Caution!

Lately, I feel like exploding.

I hate the feeling!

More than anything, I hate how I feel, leading up to those explosions.  You know what I mean?  When you've lost your temper and you can honest-to-goodness feel the heat crawling up the back of your neck?  You can't bite your tongue for one more minute and then the explosion comes...

Words, frustration and anger seem to spew out of your mouth.

I think I hate what comes next, even more though: the guilty feeling that inevitably sets in. It comes because you know you should have tried harder to keep your feelings in check, but also because we know the explosion is not a true indicator of who we really are.  Our emotions have gotten the best of us (again).

In the last few weeks, I've felt like I should have a warning label stamped on my head:  PROCEED WITH CAUTION.

It's STRESS!  I used to think that I handled stress fairly well...until I had kids.  I don't know what it was about giving birth that made my patience switch flip off so quickly. 

Anyway, as issues and problems in my life seem to pile up in huge mounds, it feels like I am handling things worse and worse.  I feel like I have all these problems (life) coming at me, from every direction and I try to remain calm.  However, the harder I try to keep my emotions in tact, the worse it seems to get.

From all the different "situations" that I'm experiencing right now, for whatever reason it has put me on this terribly huge emotional roller coaster.  I get frustrated, angry, hurt, tired, worn out, emotionally drained and then I end up back to being angry again.

NOT GOOD.

I WANT OFF THIS COASTER!

My bestest friend in the whole wide world, Danielle, is an amazing source of wisdom and inspiration for me.  God put her in my life, all the way back in 1992 and we have been the best of friends ever since.  Although we don't live anywhere near each other, lately we've been chatting almost every day.  We experienced our teenage years together, church youth group, crushes, concerts, midnight runs to the Waffle House...we were even college roommates!  We are about as polar opposites as they come...but I infinitely love her.  We used to say that we wanted to marry male versions of each other.  My Mark is definitely a lot like Danielle and I enjoy hearing the OCD tendencies of her husband Ken.  Nothing makes me smile more than hearing how he likes to pack a car...and it drives her crazy!

When we were in high school, she used to watch me make my bed in my room, because I never went a day without making it (I still have this OCD trait).  After the bed was made, she would go over and sit on it and mess it up.  THEN, she would tackle me and keep me pinned down and FORCE me to NOT make my bed again.  She would laugh and I would squirm.

Ahh, the great memories of our friendship...

Anywho, moving on...one of the things that I love the most about Danielle is her ability to keep things REAL.  I mean, she is as real as it gets.  She doesn't worry about hurting my feelings when my thinking is wrong...she doesn't sugar coat things for me.  She is just honest..but it is always in love (Brutal honesty is easier to swallow when you know the other person really loves you).  There is no need for me to hold my feelings back, because she already knows whats going on in my head.  Shes the best kind of friend (and sister)!

Lately, we've been talking a lot about emotions and blowing up.  Although it's the best thing in the whole wide world (truly it is), being a mom causes a lot of stress!  To make matters worse, women in general are very emotional, which only increases the stress levels we all experience.  I know I tend to absorb the emotions and feelings that are surrounding me (I know this is a problem, one I am working on)...so, if my family is happy, I usually have an easier time dealing with "things"...when everyone is grumpy...I'm grumpy...AND STRESSED! 

Danielle told me about a book that I would HIGHLY recommend to you, to read.  It's called Unglued and its written by Lysa TerKeurst.  The book, as it may, deals SPECIFICALLY with what I am struggling with, precisely right now in my life.  How crazy is that??

As I'm reading it, I find myself completely identifying with the author.  She really gets it!  She yelled at her kids about the towels on the floor!  She gets upset and discouraged when others hurt her.  She doesn't quite know how to manage her emotions sometimes either!   

What a comfort it is, to know that I'm not the only woman on this crazy roller coaster ride of emotions, that there are other women that struggle with this (that want off the ride too...but just don't quite know how to get off!).  I think that many times, we as Christians have the pressure of how we handle situations, because we are commanded in the Bible to "turn the other cheek"..."forgive"..."be slow to anger"...I get it, I really do...Jesus wants us to forgive.  I can do that...but how do you handle all the stress, feelings and wretched raw (and very real) emotions that many of us experience?  We can't just blink them away...I know I can't (I've tried...over and over!!).  

What I have learned so far from her book is that part of the reason we struggle so much, as women, is that we place far too much pressure on our own selves.  Its all about putting realistic expectations on ourselves and taking realistic steps in trying to improve ourselves.  It's about understanding that we are not always going to have it together...

The kids WILL leave towels on the floor.  (and it's gonna tick me off)

The Internet WILL go down sometimes.  (and it will be a pain!)

My husband WILL leave his dirty jeans on the kitchen table sometimes.  (how many times??)

The house WILL NOT always be picture-perfect and clean.  (I need a maid...or an extra 5 hours in each day)

People WILL say things that hurt.  (we're human)

It's going to happen.  I might as well face it...

The key is having a game-plan ready for whatever comes our way.

So, that's where I am right now...working on my game plan.  Trying to come up with ways, to prevent the explosion.  Trying to focus on all the amazingly good things in my life, rather than dwell and brood on the negative.

Negative feelings breed more negative feelings.  Anger feeds anger.

How do you get out of that cycle...or off the roller coaster?

I had a friend of mine come in the shop the other day and long-story-short, we started chatting.  The conversation lead to the topic of the book that I have just started reading.  She told me that her daughter-in-law had requested the book for a birthday present, because she was struggling with the same issues.  A full time working mom, with young kids, a house, a husband...you name it...the recipe for a mom cooking under pressure.  As we were chatting, I shared with her some of my frustrations and the angry, hurt emotions that I can't seem to let go of....I'm trying...and yet they keep surfacing! 

She opened up with me and told me about a similar situation that happened to her, many years ago.  Words were said to her that cut her to the soul.  Words that were meant to hurt and destroy...how do you forget them?  How can a person heal if they hear those words over and over again in their head?   It's like ripping a band-aid off, every 5 minutes!...it's never gonna heal!  She told me it was a long time before she was able to put it behind her, but there was a key to her success:

( I love what she told me)

She CHANGED her prayer.

That was it.  Instead of praying to be able to move past the situation and forgive the person...she asked God to help her FORGET the words.  That was it.  (it's so simple!) Every time those words would creep into her head, she would simply ask God to let her FORGET the words.

What she shared with me was BRILLIANT.  My God can help me FORGET the words, so that in time, I can really forgive.  If we don't know what we're upset about, its not so hard to forgive, is it?

I'm so thankful that I have wise, Godly women in my life.

So, as I prepare my game plan for the upcoming situations that WILL come my way in life, I am convinced that by changing my prayer, it will help me deal with the situations not yet foreseen in my future.

There is one other thing that I am working on...(and I invite any of you, who wish to join in my project with me)

Danielle and I are working on a memory verse challenge.  Each week we work on memorizing a Scripture verse...and this is why: 
If you BREATHE in the word of God...you will EXHALE the word of God.

I have asked the Lord to show me areas of growth in my life...obviously my patience and self-control is one area that He wants me to work on.  I am committed to what the Lord wants to do with me...and these lessons are hard for me to learn...but I know that God is in control of it all. (Even when it feels like there is a downpour in my life).

P.S.  Just so you know...if you ask God to stretch you...He WILL!  Be ready for it! :)

Danielle and I, sharing a dance at my wedding, last year

" I, therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace."  ~Ephesians 4:1-3

Fear & Faith

I used to suffer from anxiety attacks.

After having Jae (my youngest girl), I had postpartum depression (Yes, Mr. Tom Cruise, postpartum is a real thing...and no, I couldn't just "get over it").  I don't quite understand how depression begins, or why people have to suffer from it, but they do. Its a very real thing...and it's very scary. 

All the dark, sad feelings that I was experiencing, were making me feel like I was crazy.  I knew something wasn't right, but I didn't understand why I couldn't snap out of it.  I desperately wanted to feel happy and joyful like I was used to feeling, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't escape the dark cloud that followed me.  As my depression progressed, the vicious cycle began.  Because I couldn't  just snap out of it, I got angry.  Looking back, I think I was angry at everyone: at myself, my family, my friends...and God.  I would pray for relief and it just wouldn't come. 

I began to feel myself spiral down out of reality.  I became increasingly moody, scared and even more depressed.  I would wake up crying in the middle of the night, terrified that someone was going to burn Jae.  The panic attacks would frighten me to the point of extreme anxiety.  I would cry, sob, hyperventilate, sweat and make myself sick.  It felt like there was no escape for the anguish in my heart. 

It was awful.

During that time, there were other stresses that helped to escalate the depression...my home life, my work, the fact that I was completely isolated from my parents and siblings...Spencer (my son) was really sick during that time, so that added an immense amount of stress to my load.  Paired with my overwhelming need to please others in an attempt to repair my completely destroyed self esteem, it's safe to say I was a ticking time-bomb. 

I remember the moment when I knew I really needed help...my Dad and Aunt Sharon came to visit me.  As they sat me down to have a chat with me, I couldn't even look them both in the eye.  Sadly, they both told me I was disappearing...

I was no longer the person they knew...but this twisted up, emotionally wrecked woman who had no support system and was fading away.

I should of stood up to the negatives in my life at that point, but I didn't.  I couldn't.  I didn't know how...

What they did do was succeed in making me realize that there was a problem.  I got a little  better, at least I was able to control the anxiety a bit more.  My doctor began to treat the hormone imbalance that was wreaking havoc on my body, causing the mood swings to ease up.  I was a bit better, but deep down I was still fighting the depression and anxiety back.

Until, one day the light clicked on.

No longer was I going to suffer from the emotional abuse and depression that I was being oppressed by.

I wish I could tell you at that moment everything got better...

But, it didn't.  Not for several years, really.

It was at a Christmas Eve service a few years ago, at my church, that I finally turned around to His light.  For the first time in a long time, I finally felt the warmth and love of our Saviors embrace.  It was a quote on the bulletin that made me choke up all the grief that I had been holding on to for so long.  I wish I could remember the quote exactly, but it was something about no matter how far away we feel or have walked from the Lord, all it takes is one step back. 

That's it. One step back. Not a million...no hoops to jump through...no papers to sign...just ONE STEP BACK.

Have you ever been in a really dark room, for a long time and then go outside to a really bright sun, almost so that it's overwhelming?  That's how it was for me...the loving, warm, peaceful light that Jesus had at that moment was overwhelming to me.  His love still overwhelms me, when I think of that moment.  I've been a Christian for almost all of my life, but it was at that moment that He saved me from my own hurt.

Immediately, I felt the forgiveness, comfort and peace that can only come from Jesus.  I remember the feeling of worthlessness that I felt, begin to fade away.  It was replaced by thankfulness.  I remember the sadness that had tormented me, be replaced with the overwhelming feeling of grace and mercy. 

It was a turning point in my life.  From that point on, I determined to never let anything ever come between my walk with the Lord.  Not even my own grief.

I wish I could tell you that I don't suffer from anxiety anymore, or even depression or sad thoughts.  I still do.  But, I always have the memories of that dark storm to prevent me from ever going down that path again.

Lately, I've been frustrated and sad.  And scared.  Our economy is not good and because of the lack of rain, it seems like our local community is struggling a bit.  It scares me!

On a personal level, my heart is wrestling with hurt and frustration.  Some days the hurt seems so daunting that I want to scream!  I wish I could just push it away...but there it remains. 

And then I'm reminded of something:

It's exactly what Satan wants us to feel like.  He wants our families to be torn apart by harsh words, misunderstandings, feelings of resentment...

He doesn't want to see families come together and love and support each other.  He doesn't want to see people turn to Jesus in their grief.

He wants me to get so worried about financial matters or economic issues that I have a panic attack...in fact HE LOVES IT.  When I let anxiety and fear claim my life, Satan wins.

Ticks me off.

When I get worked up, I sit and read my Bible.  The words of the Psalms, Job and Jeremiah are always a comfort to me.  I pray too.  I literally talk to God and ask Him to calm my nerves...it always helps me!

I was chatting with a new friend of mine, Elizabeth, last week and she told me something that is still ringing in my ears (even as I write this).  She told me "God is never early, He is always ON TIME". 

How true that is!  When I look back, even in the darkness, I see how God never left my side.  And as crazy as this may sound, I am thankful for the experiences that I had.  God was able to give me a heart towards other women who are suffering, like I did. 

In my pain, He gave me a purpose! 

You have a purpose too.

I'm sure there is something in your life that is scary to you...something that rocks your faith a bit, or makes you worry.  I know this is easier said than done, but God doesn't want us to worry.  He's got it all under control! 

When I stop to think calmly about it like that, it becomes clear to me that Faith is not just something we refer to when speaking about religion. 

Faith is a VERB.  It's trusting that no matter what, God will take care of us.  Faith takes action on our part.  We can't experience the peace of Christ, unless we give Him all of us...fears and all!  Even when we don't understand how it's even possible for God to fix something, Faith is trusting God to bring us through the storm, understanding that He is shaping and molding us for His purpose...even in pain.

My prayer for you is that you don't lose Faith.  Don't lose heart.  Don't give up.  Trust God to watch over your broken heart, your spirit, your fears and your dreams.  He will never leave us or forsake us.  NEVER.



For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~ Jeremiah 29:11

Behold...the FLUFFERNUTTER.

There are a few foods that will FORCE me to forget my diet for just a few moments...

The Fluffernutter is one of them.

Have you ever experienced the true simplistic joy that only a fluffernutter can bring?

When I was in high school, I used to make them for my youngest sister Sarah and I...we still talk about how amazing those sandwiches are.

And occasionally I succumb to the temptation.   She posted on my facebook wall the other day:  FLUFFERNUTTER!!  The sheer mention of its name makes me crave one...and there I go, off to the grocery store to purchase the necessary items...

What's in a fluffernutter, you may ask?   (Silly name, yes, I know...but OH SO GOOD).

For those of you who have never had the privilege of partaking of this divine concoction, I will divulge the secrets to making the PERFECT Fluffernutter.

First, you must have bread (no rolls or buns).  Ideally, white bread is really the best, but I practically refuse to eat white bread if I can help it...(it really is like glue to your body)...so I use wheat.

You MUST TOAST your bread.

Next:  Peanut Butter (Yes, one of the most-perfect-foods-in-the-whole-wide-world).  You can see I use the reduced-fat version, to try to somewhat appease my healthy side.  Feel free to go for the full-fat version though, if your little heart desires.



Spread your peanut butter, on your toast, as thick or thin as you like it.  (Sometimes more really is better...okay, so maybe that sounds a little bit gluttonous).  It's best if both pieces of bread have the peanut butter spread on them.

Then, comes the reason why the Fluffernutter is in a class of delectable snacking all of its own: 

FLUFF.  Yes, Marshmallow Fluff.

Spread the Fluff generously, on one side of the peanut butter covered toast.

Then, sandwich the two pieces of toast together.  Cut in half and place on a pretty plate (Yes, things really do taste better on pretty plates).

Prepare yourself for a true culinary masterpiece. 

Take a bite, close your eyes, and savor the perfect mixture of salty peanut butter goodness, combined with sweet, fluffy marshmallow between toasted perfection.

HEAVEN.

(Okay, so maybe a far cry from what Heaven is really like,

but I promise it's really, really, really yummy).

The Baby, The Brother, The Wild One, and Me.

If you have siblings, most likely you already know how amazing it is to have them.  I love mine and feel so blessed by their presence in my life.  I am the oldest of four...I have two sisters, Danielle & Sarah, and one brother Paul.  I love them more than words can ever say. 

One of my favorite things about my siblings is knowing how genetically connected we are. There are no other people on the planet like the four of us.  Because of our parents, we are made up of the same DNA....like no one else.  There is a bond that connects us, like no other.  I would walk through fire to help them out and there is a deep rooted unconditional love that we all share for each other.

A couple months ago, I got to go home (Atlanta) and see all of them...sadly enough, it's been around 4 years since the four of us have been together, and boy did we enjoy ourselves.

We laughed, and laughed and laughed (mostly at inside jokes about our parents ((that is said in total love and respect for mom and dad))...just so you know).  We went to a Braves baseball game, went to the Georgia Aquarium, ate, talked and just enjoyed being together.  It was the best of times.

I could go on for days and days and tell you about the fights we had (they are hilarious now!!), the laughter we've shared (we're a bunch of movie-quoting goofballs) or the tears we've cried (we all wear our hearts on our sleeve)...it's really endless.


There are so many stories I could share...

Okay, so just a few...

When Danielle and I were really little,  I broke a vase and told my mom and dad that Danielle was the one who broke it...(she got the spankin, not me...this is a story that still provides a glare from her in my direction).

Or, how we all survived the horror of a huge earthquake in the Philippines, by all four of us sleeping every night together in one bed.

Or, how when we were kids I threw a rock through a window in the house that my dad was building (I was told over and over again to not throw rocks through the windows) and it hit Danielle square in the head and knocked her over....(yea, I got in trouble for that one...Spencer likes to hear me tell that story).

Or like when we were kids and my brother and I were fighting (I admit, I was totally provoking him) and he threw a hamburger at me during dinner...it stuck to the wall.  We still laugh at that one!

(This picture cracks me up...I know we looked like that bottom picture a time or two)

Ahh...the memories.

We've been through a lot together...so many things happened to us when we were kids.  I think about much of our time spent in the Philippines and the events in our lives that we have experienced together (both good and very bad).  There is a common bond that we all have.  It's true, blood is thicker than water.

While I miss them terribly, (I miss the ability to hug and kiss them whenever I feel like it), thanks to technology (facebook, texting) I talk to them almost every day.  I am thankful for the closeness I feel with them! 

The other day I was having a chat with my sister Sarah (she's the baby) and we were discussing the role she has among the four of us.  She was somewhat complaining (I use that word delicately) about the fact that she was the baby,  and although she is about to be 27 (August 13th!!), she still gets carded. 

I wish I still got carded.

Anywho, I told her that no matter how much she tries to change things, she will ALWAYS BE THE BABY...just like I will always be the mature-sensible-protective-goody-little-two-shoes oldest (I remind them of the status that I hold all the time, well.... at least the part about being the oldest...maybe not the other OCD traits that come with the territory).

Danielle, who is next in order, after me, has always been the wild one.  Not only is she beautiful, but she has always been the fun one.  We used to be really competitive when we were kids, I suppose because of how close we are in age (14 months apart).  She would always beat me during the Easter Egg hunt and collect more eggs than me.  It would tick me off and she would just smile...

What I envy the most about Danielle is her ability to throw caution to the wind and LAUGH.  While she doesn't always think about what the possible outcomes may be (you see, there is that over-protective-oldest-sister coming out)...she is very good at living in the moment. 

I wish I could be more like her and not worry like I do.  Danielle is also fiercely loyal and she would be the one to run after someone with a baseball bat to protect our family.  No matter what we are doing, people always want Danielle around because she has always been the life of the party.  I infinitely love her.

Next comes my brother, Paul (He'll always be Paulie to me).  I love my brother, he's cool.  We used to call him Captain Weirdo when he was a kid, because he would wear this play army helmet and a pair of yellow Mr. Potato Head glasses.  I don't think he likes it that we all remember him that way.  What I admire the most about my brother is that I think his heart is especially tender. 

And, he has done amazing things in his life.  He interviews musicians (real musicians, not the pop artists of our society today) and he's been able to meet alot of famous people in his lifetime.

Paul also tries to do good for this world, which is why I am really proud of him.  A few years ago he WALKED (yes, really walked) from Florida to New Orleans to raise money for the people affected by Hurricane Katrina.  Even today, I am amazed at his capacity to think out of the box that most of us rest comfortably in.   I think of all that he has done, and I am genuinely proud of him as a person, and I'm even more proud that he is MY brother.

Finally, there is Sarah Lee Cupcake...the BABY (she will always be known as Cupcake to us).  I think the three of us have been in love with her since her first breath in this world.  We used to fight over who would get to sit by her at dinner...running down the hallway, whoever yelled "Sittin' by Sarah" was the winner.  A place next to her was coveted more than anything in our lives. 

Sarah is a true beauty (honestly, drop-dead gorgeous), both inside and out...what makes her even more pretty is that she doesn't realize how gorgeous she is.  When I was in college after graduating high school, Sarah went everywhere with me.  She was my little sidekick and I loved every minute I ever shared with her. 

While Sarah is much more soft spoken than Danielle, Paul or I, she has a gentleness about her that I love.  She is the quietness in our sometimes loud lives.  What she doesn't realize is that while she is the youngest, many times she is the one who possesses the most wisdom out of all of us. 

And shes' tough...Tough Mudder tough, in fact.  She competed and FINISHED the Tough Mudder course in Atlanta last year.  Through the mud, muck, fire and electrical wires (yup, they knocked her down...but she got back up)...she finished.  She did something that I would never have the courage to do...and I admire her for that.  She's one of my hero's.

In fact, all my siblings are my hero's.

What I was trying to express to Sarah, however, while she was complaining about being the baby, is that no matter what we do in life, there are always absolutes in our lives that we must accept.  We shouldn't try to change things that are not changeable, but rather EMBRACE who we are.  Sarah being the baby is part of who she is as a person...it's in her core being.

Just like myself...being the oldest.  It's who I am. 

Just like you...whatever you may be...the oldest, the youngest, the only girl, the only boy, the only child, the chubby one, the super-skinny one, the short one, the tall one, the blonde one, the brunette one.  Whatever it is, OWN it...it's what helps to make YOU, YOU.  (Pretty special, huh?)

God has a PERFECT plan for each one of us.  He has mapped out our lives for us and all we have to do is follow Him.  That's it.  I think many times we try to over complicate what it takes to be happy in life.  In reality, its all there right in front of us.

Sure, there are many times in life that  I get frustrated with myself...I wish I was taller, or thinner, or not so sensitive or "sensible".  Sure, I may be the party-pooper at times, but when the tough gets going, I'll be the one right by your side.

But, you know what?

No matter how hard I try to change those things about myself that I wish were different, the reality is that I am at my happiest when I am true to who God wants me to be.  We don't need to change or try to morph ourselves into what others "think" we should be.  All we need to do is please our Heavenly Father.

And, doesn't it feel good when we are accepted, just as we are?

Soooo....if you find yourself wishing yourself to be someone else, or something different than who you are, remember:

The grass is the greenest where you water it.

EMBRACE your own life...stop fretting over things that you cannot change. 

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"  ~Jeremiah 29:11

 The Baby, The Brother, The Oldest and The Wild One.