Fear & Faith

I used to suffer from anxiety attacks.

After having Jae (my youngest girl), I had postpartum depression (Yes, Mr. Tom Cruise, postpartum is a real thing...and no, I couldn't just "get over it").  I don't quite understand how depression begins, or why people have to suffer from it, but they do. Its a very real thing...and it's very scary. 

All the dark, sad feelings that I was experiencing, were making me feel like I was crazy.  I knew something wasn't right, but I didn't understand why I couldn't snap out of it.  I desperately wanted to feel happy and joyful like I was used to feeling, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't escape the dark cloud that followed me.  As my depression progressed, the vicious cycle began.  Because I couldn't  just snap out of it, I got angry.  Looking back, I think I was angry at everyone: at myself, my family, my friends...and God.  I would pray for relief and it just wouldn't come. 

I began to feel myself spiral down out of reality.  I became increasingly moody, scared and even more depressed.  I would wake up crying in the middle of the night, terrified that someone was going to burn Jae.  The panic attacks would frighten me to the point of extreme anxiety.  I would cry, sob, hyperventilate, sweat and make myself sick.  It felt like there was no escape for the anguish in my heart. 

It was awful.

During that time, there were other stresses that helped to escalate the depression...my home life, my work, the fact that I was completely isolated from my parents and siblings...Spencer (my son) was really sick during that time, so that added an immense amount of stress to my load.  Paired with my overwhelming need to please others in an attempt to repair my completely destroyed self esteem, it's safe to say I was a ticking time-bomb. 

I remember the moment when I knew I really needed help...my Dad and Aunt Sharon came to visit me.  As they sat me down to have a chat with me, I couldn't even look them both in the eye.  Sadly, they both told me I was disappearing...

I was no longer the person they knew...but this twisted up, emotionally wrecked woman who had no support system and was fading away.

I should of stood up to the negatives in my life at that point, but I didn't.  I couldn't.  I didn't know how...

What they did do was succeed in making me realize that there was a problem.  I got a little  better, at least I was able to control the anxiety a bit more.  My doctor began to treat the hormone imbalance that was wreaking havoc on my body, causing the mood swings to ease up.  I was a bit better, but deep down I was still fighting the depression and anxiety back.

Until, one day the light clicked on.

No longer was I going to suffer from the emotional abuse and depression that I was being oppressed by.

I wish I could tell you at that moment everything got better...

But, it didn't.  Not for several years, really.

It was at a Christmas Eve service a few years ago, at my church, that I finally turned around to His light.  For the first time in a long time, I finally felt the warmth and love of our Saviors embrace.  It was a quote on the bulletin that made me choke up all the grief that I had been holding on to for so long.  I wish I could remember the quote exactly, but it was something about no matter how far away we feel or have walked from the Lord, all it takes is one step back. 

That's it. One step back. Not a million...no hoops to jump through...no papers to sign...just ONE STEP BACK.

Have you ever been in a really dark room, for a long time and then go outside to a really bright sun, almost so that it's overwhelming?  That's how it was for me...the loving, warm, peaceful light that Jesus had at that moment was overwhelming to me.  His love still overwhelms me, when I think of that moment.  I've been a Christian for almost all of my life, but it was at that moment that He saved me from my own hurt.

Immediately, I felt the forgiveness, comfort and peace that can only come from Jesus.  I remember the feeling of worthlessness that I felt, begin to fade away.  It was replaced by thankfulness.  I remember the sadness that had tormented me, be replaced with the overwhelming feeling of grace and mercy. 

It was a turning point in my life.  From that point on, I determined to never let anything ever come between my walk with the Lord.  Not even my own grief.

I wish I could tell you that I don't suffer from anxiety anymore, or even depression or sad thoughts.  I still do.  But, I always have the memories of that dark storm to prevent me from ever going down that path again.

Lately, I've been frustrated and sad.  And scared.  Our economy is not good and because of the lack of rain, it seems like our local community is struggling a bit.  It scares me!

On a personal level, my heart is wrestling with hurt and frustration.  Some days the hurt seems so daunting that I want to scream!  I wish I could just push it away...but there it remains. 

And then I'm reminded of something:

It's exactly what Satan wants us to feel like.  He wants our families to be torn apart by harsh words, misunderstandings, feelings of resentment...

He doesn't want to see families come together and love and support each other.  He doesn't want to see people turn to Jesus in their grief.

He wants me to get so worried about financial matters or economic issues that I have a panic attack...in fact HE LOVES IT.  When I let anxiety and fear claim my life, Satan wins.

Ticks me off.

When I get worked up, I sit and read my Bible.  The words of the Psalms, Job and Jeremiah are always a comfort to me.  I pray too.  I literally talk to God and ask Him to calm my nerves...it always helps me!

I was chatting with a new friend of mine, Elizabeth, last week and she told me something that is still ringing in my ears (even as I write this).  She told me "God is never early, He is always ON TIME". 

How true that is!  When I look back, even in the darkness, I see how God never left my side.  And as crazy as this may sound, I am thankful for the experiences that I had.  God was able to give me a heart towards other women who are suffering, like I did. 

In my pain, He gave me a purpose! 

You have a purpose too.

I'm sure there is something in your life that is scary to you...something that rocks your faith a bit, or makes you worry.  I know this is easier said than done, but God doesn't want us to worry.  He's got it all under control! 

When I stop to think calmly about it like that, it becomes clear to me that Faith is not just something we refer to when speaking about religion. 

Faith is a VERB.  It's trusting that no matter what, God will take care of us.  Faith takes action on our part.  We can't experience the peace of Christ, unless we give Him all of us...fears and all!  Even when we don't understand how it's even possible for God to fix something, Faith is trusting God to bring us through the storm, understanding that He is shaping and molding us for His purpose...even in pain.

My prayer for you is that you don't lose Faith.  Don't lose heart.  Don't give up.  Trust God to watch over your broken heart, your spirit, your fears and your dreams.  He will never leave us or forsake us.  NEVER.



For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~ Jeremiah 29:11