What's the Point??

Do you ever stop in the middle of your crazy life, and think to yourself:

Who am I?

What's my purpose here in this world?  (We all have one...)

What am I supposed to be doing while I'm on this planet??  (I hope not just existing!)

This is something that I think about all the time...

And, I don't think I'm alone.

I mean, if there is no purpose...then what's the point??

Sure, I have a totally fab women's boutique...

But, it's my job.

It's my trade...its what I do to hopefully earn a living, to pay for the necessities in life and take care of my family.

But it's not my purpose.

It's not what God put me on this planet for.

Owning the shop is part of His plan and it helps me execute my purpose in life, but its not my destiny. I don't want to be remembered for selling shoes...

As I look back over the years, it is evident to me how He has allowed me to go through certain life experiences, in order to help me have greater compassion and understanding of what's going on in the lives of people that I meet in life now.

I think at times, we over think this concept...perhaps you may feel that only people like Ghandi, or Martin Luther King, Jr. are people that have great purposes...or that God looks down in higher favor with people who are in the spotlight doing "great" things for mankind.

But, its just not true.

It's we as humans who make others actions out to be "grand"...not God.  He looks in favor to ANYONE who is faithful to answer HIS call on their lives.

God does not play favorites...

We are not all called to do the same thing...but we are ALL called to do something.

Or be someone...

In the 36 years I've been in this world, I have had my heart broken to the point that it felt like it was bleeding, suffering and full of sorrow.

I have experienced my parents divorce.  I have experienced my own divorce.  I have experienced deep depression.  I have experienced post-partum depression.  I have been betrayed.  I have betrayed others.  I have been hurt by words.  I have hurt others with my own words.  I have been emotionally abused by a husband who did not love me.  I was told I was nothing, over and over again.  I have lost loved ones.  I have had to watch people I love suffer.  I have had to deal with separation from my children.  I have made bad choices in my life.  I have been angry, lost, sad and left in despair.

It's been a heck of a ride...

There were days that I didn't want to even wake up.  I would pray that God would just let me go to sleep and not wake up, ever again.

But, if that were to happen, I wouldn't be fulfilling my God-given purpose, would I? 

Because I have written about this before in my blogs, as you know, I went through a very dark time in my life.  I don't refer to it as a dark period, necessarily because of the events that transpired, but because I was not living for the Lord.  I turned my back on the Lord, in anger, hurt and frustration.  I felt that He abandoned me and was not watching over me...He let some really bad things happen in my life, things that I didn't understand.

It was several years later that I realized that it was not He who turned His back on me, but rather mine on Him.

I will always remember the feeling of when I turned back to the warmth of His embrace.  The fullness, contentment and peace that I felt when I turned back to His light....

The grace and forgiveness...
Oh, words will never describe it.

I still can't...

I think all that I have experienced, the good and the bad, has lead up to this point in my life.  It has all been working together, since I was a child, all weaving together to help me realize the purpose that God has given me.  Going through all that darkness helped me realize how desolate my life was and that I never want to feel like that again.  NEVER.

Ever.

My mom visited me a few weeks ago.  At one point, Jae, my daughter, was telling Grammy about a Spirit Award that she had received at school.  Jae was recognized because she got up from her table of friends during Intervention to go sit with a classmate of hers that was sitting alone.  Jae recognized that she could help make this little girl feel accepted and loved, by sitting with her.  As Jae was explaining to her Grammy what she did, my mom looked at me and told Jae that she knew another young girl that used to do the same thing when she was Jae's age: me.

Grammy went on to tell Jae that she was just like her mama in that regard, always trying to make sure others around her feel loved...that people don't feel left out.  That people understand how valuable they are and needed.

I think one of the worst things that could be said of my life is that someone in my life didn't understand their worth in my eyes.  I would hate it if you didn't realize how important you were to me, or to the Lord!

The conversation that Jae and my mom had has been stuck in my head for the last two weeks.

In my reflection, I have realized that my purpose is very simple...and it's something I've been doing for as long as I can remember.

My purpose in this world is to LOVE.  It is to show love to others, so that they feel the love of Christ and know that they are worth something.  Hopefully in this, they will come to the Lord too....or find Him in times of struggle.

My oldest daughter, Brooke and I were talking about this very subject, this morning.  I told her, for as long as I live, I will proclaim my love for the Lord.  I cannot express my gratitude in enough ways, to show Him how grateful I am for His mercy, love, understanding and GRACE.

Just remember that YOU have a purpose too.  God has a plan for you...you will only find peace when you are resting in what He wants you to be doing.
If you want to find meaning in life or feel grounded, He is the only way you will ever feel that way.

No matter where you have been, or what has happened in your life...God will use it, somehow for His glory...if you let Him.

For all things work together for HIS GOOD.  God wants the glory, in all that we do...even in times of trial, suffering and pain.  He can use our hearts, no matter the state they are in, for His purpose and plan.

My life is living proof.  I will sing of His praises, all of my day!

There is a relatively new song out, that has quickly become my new favorite...the group Philips, Craig and Dean are one of my favorites, and the lyrics of so many of their songs have always struck a cord with me.  Their latest, "Top of My Lungs", really speaks to my heart...

Here is the song...I imagine myself on top of a mountain, belting this song out (I am a much better singer in my head, than reality).

Love you all.

Hope & the Apostle Peter

Feliz Año Nuevo!!  That means Happy New Year in Spanish :)  Yes, I have a love for the Mexican language.  Secretly I think that my husband, Mark, should encourage and enable me to learn more about the Mexican culture...on a white sandy beach, sipping margaritas!!  No??  Yea, that probably wont happen any time soon...

Anywho, I do hope that your Christmas season and New Year's holidays were blessed and full of love and hope.  To me, that's really what the holiday season is about...


Love & Hope.

or...

Hope & Love.

Its really what we all need on a regular basis, isn't it?

For me, over the last six months, I needed hope...and lots of it.

The past year was a difficult one for me.  It felt like there was a little black cloud that followed me all over the place.  No matter how hard I tried to be optimistic or happy, I felt like God just kept stretching me in ways that were really painful.  Through my personal life, as well as the life of the store, I felt like I was continually walking in the dark and on eggshells. Even my sleep seemed disturbed.  

Worry is like a thief...

With the state of the economy and the negativity saturating the media, I felt like that little black cloud hovered over Christmas too.  My joy was not as bountiful this year and I felt discouraged, desperate and even angry.

As hard as I tried to ignore the news, it was impossible to not worry about the approaching Fiscal Cliff that our lawmakers kept warning we were about to go over...

Or to hear the disgusting news of sweet little kids being brutally and horrifically murdered, just because.

In my eyes, the evil that is roaming this earth is very apparent.  But, I shouldn't be too surprised. 

The Bible tells us that Satan and his demons are free to roam the earth, until Christ comes back.  Until then, this kind of havoc and hate will continue.

Sigh...
  
Throughout the months of October, November and December, I hit my knees to the ground in prayer many times.  I even had special friends pray with me, desperately hoping for clear answers from the Lord.  I craved relief.  I clung to the verse that tells us that when "two or more are gathered in My name, there I will be also".  Through the trials and tribulations of this last year, I have needed to feel the closeness that only my heavenly Father can bring.  I just wanted to hear Him say that everything would be okay.

I needed HOPE that it was all gonna work out.

There were days that I felt the relief, but honestly, there were days that I didn't understand and the clouds seemed to storm in.

Like I said, worry is like a thief.  I let my own despair get in the way of what I know God wants me to do.  
   
Over the last couple of weeks the shadows have started to diminish.  I have come to this understanding:   sometimes the Lord gives us just what we NEED, rather than what we WANT or what we THINK we need.  I have come to understand that what HE WANTS is for us to literally check with Him every step of the way.  

And this is exactly why the Apostle Peter was able to walk on water...he kept his eyes boldly on Jesus.  Being the Creator of everything, the Lord defied logic and nature, giving Peter the ability to walk on water.    The minute he looked down is when he started sinking.  Sometimes the task that God sets before us seem larger than life.  At times we wonder, how in the world can they even be accomplished?  The beauty of Peter's story is that it wasn't his own ability to walk on water.  Its was Jesus, and only Jesus, who gave Peter the ability to walk on water. 

If Jesus could help Peter walk on water, surely He will give me the ability and tools I need to do the job that He has set before me, right?

This weekend, the Lord supplied everything that I NEED to do the job that He has set out for me.  

And that is what gives me HOPE.

I think when the answer I had been seeking suddenly became clear, I literally breathed out a sigh of relief...and felt my knuckles relax.  (If it's possible to be white knuckled with worry, without physically holding onto something, I believe I've experienced it over the last few months).  

As I look back over 2012 I am reminded of many blessings and trials that the Lord brought me through.  However, just like an artist places glass in a fire to refine it, the past should never define us...only REFINE us.

I am reminded of the somewhat cliche poem "Footprints in the Sand".  We've all heard it a million times, or seen it on convenience store plaques.  But, as I look at the past year and look to how He provided for me and helped me understand things better this past weekend, I can see Him carrying me the whole way.

I am so thankful for His love and the HOPE that is in Him.

Where would I be without it?  Probably in a permanent state of grumpiness and despair...

Blessings to you, on this January day!  May you have HOPE for an amazing year...remember, despite the world we live in...HE is in control.

Another one of my favorite songs, sung by Steven Curtis Chapman, 

"Sometimes He Comes in the Clouds"...

 powerful lyrics that spoke to me continually over the last few months.

I hope they minister to you, as they did me.

  
"For where two or three gather in my name, 
there am I with them.” ~Matthew 18:20

Day 8...30 Things.

Moving right along...

Day 8!!

Here goes...

Item #8:

What are 5 passions you have?

1.  My Savior.  Wow, when I think about what my life could be like without Jesus, it scares me half to death.  I really don't know how people manage this life without Him in their lives. 

2.  My kids.  I want to make sure they are all taken care of, happy and doing well in their lives.  I know they must stumble and fall in life, but I want to be there to help them get back up.  They are my life!  I love to treat them to things, spoil them, shower them with love.  They are all getting to old to let me get huggy-huggy with me...it can feel awkward sometimes, lol...but I hope they all know I would do absolutely anything for any of them.  They are my life line.

3.  My Husband.  I love him.  I love that we get to share our life together...I love that I can be real with him...I love taking care of him, cooking his meals...washing his clothes...spending time, even if it's watching HGTV together.  I love how he makes me laugh...especially when I don't want to laugh.  He knows what to do to make me giggle every time.  I also love the little touches he sometimes brings to my life...every once in awhile I get an extra special note, or little just because gift or text message.  Those are the moments that I live for.  I love them.

4.  My store.  I love what I do...and most of all I love that I get to help other women who have either experienced similar circumstances that I had to go through.  I love being able to make someone smile and make them happy.  I love to see people's faces light up when they see something fun in my shop...I mean really...who doesn't love a great pair of shoes??

5.  My family.  I love each and every one of them.  I think that family is the most important thing.  I am so thankful to have two amazing families...here and in Georgia. 

6.  My house.  In an old fashioned kinda way, I think a woman's place is in the home (and work...I think women can have it all).  I love to make my house a home...I want all my kids to know that no matter where they are in life, they can always come home.  There is always an open door, and always open arms ready to hug and help.  I love to decorate...I love to make things look pretty.  I LOVE IT.

Okay, so that was 6...I'm a very passionate person lol!!

Day 7...30 Things.

What's up?? :)  Hope your day is going well...

Ready for Day 7? 

Here goes....

Item #7:  What is your dream job, and why?

What I am doing, right now in my life, is my dream job.

I know it wasn't my dream job when I was a kid...

When I was younger, ever since I can remember up until my senior year of high school...all I wanted to be was a Chef.

That was it.

My dad took me to visit a cooking academy, about 6 hours away from home...and I got scared.

I chickened out and never looked back.

It's funny where life takes you, when you least expect it.

Since then I've had other aspirations, but nothing that have given me the satisfaction that this job has given me.

I love to see women happy.

I love to see how much better a woman feels when they are dressed in something pretty and fun!

I love to play with shoes...and handbags...and clothing...and jewelry.

I love fashion and I love my job.

But, aside from the fun stuff, I honestly love that I get to help women, and talk to them when they are having a bad day.  Or, offer a hug when life's frustrations come our way.

I love that the most about my job.

You.

Day 6...30 Things.

Hello everyone!! I hope you all had a great weekend...full of fabulous fun!!

 Ready for Day 6??

I am!

Here goes...

Item #6:

What is the hardest thing you've ever had to experience?

I've been thinking about this all morning...I keep coming up with hard things I've had to go through.  Of course when you're in the middle of a struggle, all problems seem to be difficult. 

When I moved to Kansas, being away from my mom, dad, brother, sisters and best friends was awful.  Sometimes the ache in my heart was so bad I couldn't stand it. 

Or I think about the trauma that my family and I experienced in the Philippines...between the numerous coup attempts that the rebels tried to overthrow the government...or when there was a huge earthquake in the Philippines and the aftershocks lasted for weeks. 

All really bad stuff.

But, even when I thought things were nothing but doom and gloom...the light did eventually shine.

After much thought, I came up with what I think was the most difficult thing I've ever experienced.  The reason I say it was the worst, was because it seemed to be attacking many different aspects of my life.

I don't like to talk about it much, because that pain is still there...I suppose it always will be.

My divorce. 

It ripped my family apart, as well as my heart.  It was awful...the darkest days of my life.  There really were days that I didn't think it ever would get better.

I've said this a thousand times, even if you're the one who wants the divorce, it still sucks.  Every single, solitary minute of it.

I hated seeing the pain that my kids were in.

I hated the way people looked at me, as if they knew what was going on in my life.  People had no clue and yet the judgement was passed.

The gossip.  Every day...

Even seeing my family hurting...everyone went through pain.

Some of the worst days were when I was alone...I hated having to share my time that was spent with the kids.  I had spent almost every minute of my time with them, when I wasn't at work.  Every bath they took was given my me.  Every meal they ate was prepared by me.  I was the one who washed all their clothes, tucked them in at night, read them their bedtime stories, prayed with them, took them to the park, played games with them.  It was all me and then all of a sudden I had all this time alone.  It was such a sad time in my life, my heart was so empty it almost seemed to echo.

My mom always said that Divorce is the gift that keeps on giving...she is right.  Every holiday or major life event...summers...winter breaks...special times that I have to be apart from my kids...its' like a knife in the heart.

Not to sound pessimistic, but I don't know that it will ever get better.  Sure, with time it gets easier...and the pain dulls a bit...but it's still there.

I thank God for His grace and mercy that help me through those times.  And my family now...and when I pick them up, when they have been away from me...their huge smiles and giant bear hugs are what warms my soul.  

There are blessings that came out of that pain...God gave me another kid to love.  Instead of having 2 kids to spoil, I now have 3. 

Great and perfect things come in threes...

Day 5...30 Things.

Hello my sweet peeps!!  We're on Day 5 now...

I must say, I have so enjoyed reading everyones posts...and I feel that I've really gotten to know some of you much better.  The questions really do offer a glimpse into our souls :)

Ready for today's question??  Here goes...

Here's #5:

What are 5 things that make you MOST happy, RIGHT NOW?

1.  My kids being with me...that all of them are happy in their lives...Brooke has a great job that she is doing very well at, Spencer is loving life with his football buddies...Jae is turning into a little fashion princess, complete with a new permed hair-do.  They all laugh...they all smile..they all goof around.  They are happy.  When they are happy, I am happy.

2.  My husband smiled today...and laughed.  I haven't heard that for quite awhile.  We have immense amounts of stress on us right now, as we are finishing up our basement.  This has been a struggle and a journey for me...nothing like what I was expecting.  I love Mark, with all my heart...and I love how his face lights up, when he is smiling from his soul.

3.  My Bible.  My Savior.  I'll be honest, my stress level right now is OFF THE CHARTS...I'm scared...and worried about different things...however, I am trusting the Lord to watch over my heart and my life.  Not a day will ever go by that I wont sing His praises.  For whatever reason, He is allowing me to walk in the dark right now, but no matter what, I know He is right beside me.  My Bible offers so much hope to me...this is what I read yesterday:  Hebrews 7:25  Therefore He is able to save completely those who come to God through Him, because He ALWAYS LIVES to intercede for them.  WOW, what a message!

4.  My Temp-tations dishes...yes, dishes.  I collect Temp-tations, they are these ceramic dishes that can be used for a multitude of different things.  Even when I'm not using them, I love to look at them.  They give me JOY!  I love anything fun for my kitchen...because I love to cook, I love all sorts of fun serving dishes, pitchers, plates, gadgets...you name it! 

5.  HGTV's Buying & Selling...and Love it, or List it!  I LOVE THESE SHOWS!!  They give me a lot of inspiration and I love to see the different things these guys do with a little bit of elbow grease and a lot of imagination.  Such fun shows...I've even got Jae bird in on the fun!

30 Things...Day 4

Who's ready for Day 4 of 30 Things??

I am!! :)

Here's #4:

List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.

1.  Stay out as late as you can (don't break curfew though).  You can be tired for the rest of your adult life.

2.  Don't worry about having a boyfriend...spend as much time as you can with your best-est girlfriends.  Because, usually boys just make life more complicated.

3.  Go travel where ever you want to go.  Go to Europe, Mexico, Asia, Russia...just go.

4.  Finish College.  Just do it.  Suck it up buttercup and do it.

5.  Don't get into credit card debt...again, you will have your whole life ahead of you, to be in debt.

6.  Don't wish for life to happen before it's meant to be.  Stop and savor the moments of your life.

7.  Some aspects of school really do not matter...I've never had to worry about some of the things I studied in high school, in my real life.

8.  Don't work too much...again, you will have your whole life to work.  It sucks...that's why it's called work.

9.  Don't stress about what you want to do with the rest of your life...everything falls into place.

10.  Never take for granted the time you have with your family.  Some day you wont be able to hug and kiss them whenever you want.